Chris Taylor Unloads on Dodgers in Scorching Exit Interview After Joining Angels

ANAHEIM, CA - In a shocking turn of events that’s lighting up the MLB rumor mill like a midsummer fireworks show in Philly, former Dodgers utility man Chris Taylor didn’t just sign with the crosstown Angels — he torched the bridge behind him on the way out.

“Look, I’d rather strike out four times a night with the Angels than go back to being micromanaged by Dave Roberts and whatever spreadsheet or ChatGPT prompt he’s running with that day,” Taylor said Thursday in a now-viral post-signing presser. “At least here, I get to play ball without worrying if Shohei’s gonna throw his translator under the bus again. And don’t get me started on Kershaw—guy’s a legend, sure, but he’s been clogging the rotation for three years now. It’s time for some of us to get a real shot. I’m not here to be a puppet anymore.”

Yes, that’s real. Yes, we had to double-check too.

🧨 DODGERS RESPOND: “HE’S DEAD TO US.”

The comments didn’t sit well in the Dodgers clubhouse.

“Chris who?” third baseman Max Muncy scoffed. “All I know is, Dave Roberts didn’t need a ChatGPT prompt to tell him Taylor was hitting .186 last year.”

“I hope he enjoys Anaheim,” added Mookie Betts with an eye-roll. “Or whatever suburb they’re playing in these days.”

Even the usually stoic Clayton Kershaw — who, according to Taylor, has been “clogging the rotation” — took time during his rehab from an actual shoulder to clap back.

“I’ve given everything to this organization,” Kershaw said. “If Chris wanted more innings, maybe he should’ve pitched better in the sixth inning of a blowout.”

Dave Roberts declined direct comment but was later spotted typing furiously into a MacBook labeled “Bullpen Usage v7.9.”

🦄 ANGELS WELCOME CHAOS ENERGY WITH OPEN ARMS

Meanwhile, the vibes in Anaheim are immaculate.

“He’s already the best player in team history,” said new teammate Zach Neto. “I mean, outside of Mike Trout and that one half-season of Shohei, but still.”

“Finally, someone who says what we’re all thinking,” added catcher Logan O'Hoppe. “We’re done being nice. This is Los Angeles—well, kind of.”

“We’ve got a dog now,” manager Ron Washington grinned. “It’s over for the league.”

Taylor is expected to hit leadoff, play five positions simultaneously, and serve as the team’s new emotional backbone.

🔮 PROJECTED 2025 CHRIS TAYLOR STATS (BY ANGELS MEDIA TEAM)

• .291 AVG

• 37 HR

• 98 RBI

• 11 positions played, including bullpen catcher

• 1 Pulitzer for quote of the year

Don’t be surprised if a line of “Puppet No More” shirts drops by July.

One NL scout put it best: “He might bat .210 or he might become the heartbeat of baseball’s most chaotic contender. Either way, I’m watching every game.”

This isn’t your dad’s Chris Taylor anymore. This is the Post-Dodgers, Post-BS, Fully Unleashed era — and we’re here for it.