Justin Verlander Admits to "Saving Wins" for Astros Return After 0-3 Giants Start

Fax Sports
May 13
3 min read

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - In a stunning revelation, San Francisco Giants pitcher Justin Verlander has apparently revealed the logic behind his brutal 0-3 start to the 2025 season: he’s “saving wins” for his inevitable trade back to the Houston Astros.

“I’m just saving them for when I get traded back to Houston,” Verlander allegedly said after losing to the Diamondbacks. “No point in wasting gas on a team that’s just gonna flip me by July.”

While most pitchers try to mask their decline with vague references to “mechanical adjustments” or “working through stuff,” Verlander is instead leaning into what some are calling “Operation Astro Rebirth.” According to multiple sources close to the veteran pitcher, the plan is as follows:

THE PLAN:

Continue Losing Just Enough — Verlander aims to keep his ERA hovering between 5.50 and 6.00, “not too bad to scare off Houston, but bad enough to get the Giants desperate.”
Fake Minor Injuries — To avoid being DFA’d, he’ll sprinkle in some “neck stiffness” and “forearm tightness” to keep his innings low and his value mysterious.
Secret Calls to Crane — Sources say Verlander has been “accidentally” FaceTiming Astros owner Jim Crane from the Giants clubhouse “while doing nothing suspicious.”
Kate Upton Meltdown — “She’s bored out of her mind in San Francisco,” one source said. “She’s been asking if the Rice-A-Roni is at least tax deductible.”

Kate Upton herself didn’t hold back:

“I didn’t sign up for fog, $19 coffee, and three-hour Uber rides. I want Whataburger, humidity, and a pitching staff that doesn’t suck. Trade him back. Now.”

GIANTS LOCKER ROOM: VIBES IN HELL

Verlander’s Giants teammates are reportedly “not thrilled.”

“He told me in the dugout, ‘Don’t worry bro, none of these L’s count,’” said Logan Webb. “I thought he was joking. He wasn’t.”

“He keeps referring to his locker as ‘temporary housing,’” added Matt Chapman. “I just want one normal week.”

Team morale is said to be at rock bottom, and the clubhouse Spotify queue has been taken over by country music and Kate's Instagram Reels from 2019.

ASTROS CLUBHOUSE: “SEE YOU IN JULY”

Meanwhile, in Houston, former teammates are already acting like the reunion is locked in.

“That boy’s just marinating in the Bay,” said Framber Valdez. “He’ll be back. We've got his parking spot waiting.”

“I keep texting him pitch calls just in case,” added Martin Maldonado, who is technically now with the Padres but “still emotionally catching for JV.”

FANS ON X SOUND OFF

@RealAstroDad69: “We don't want him unless he grows the mustache back. No ‘Frisco Face’ allowed in Houston.”

@SFGiantsTorture88: “He was on my fantasy team. I dropped him and picked up a hologram of Tim Lincecum instead. Same ERA.”

@KateUptonStan420: “Trade him. Save her. Save them both.”

HOW MANY LOSSES WILL IT TAKE?

Sources believe the magic number is 7 losses before the Giants “pull the plug” and trade Verlander for a Double-A catcher and $7 in parking credits. If the Astros can acquire him by the All-Star break, they expect him to go on a 6-0 heater down the stretch, fueled by revenge, barbecue, and Kate’s renewed will to live.

And what does Verlander expect?