Paul Goldschmidt Reacts to Yankees Deal in a Very, Very Paul Goldschmidt Way

In a move that left the baseball world buzzing, Paul Goldschmidt, the stoic first baseman, has reportedly signed with the New York Yankees. However, in an unprecedented twist, Goldschmidt has chosen silence as his response to the deal, leaving fans and media alike in a state of bewilderment.

Local reporters, desperate for any soundbite from the newly acquired player, have resorted to unconventional tactics. Michael Kay attempted to coax a reaction by tickling Goldschmidt, Bryan Hoch playfully mispronounced his name as "Paul Goldschmick," and Meredith Marakovitz even tried blowing in his ear. Yet, nothing seemed to break the silence of the man who might as well be made of stone.

Goldschmidt's refusal to speak on his plans, goals, or expectations for the upcoming season has only fueled the flames of speculation. Among the more outlandish theories circulating is the notion that Goldschmidt might actually be an Android robot, incapable of speech, which some suggest is why he preferred the quieter confines of St. Louis for so long.

Adding to the intrigue, none of his new Yankees teammates have reached out via text. Aaron Judge, when asked about the lack of communication, shrugged it off with a simple, "Why should we?" This response has only added to the mystery surrounding Goldschmidt's integration into the team.

As the Yankees prepare for the 2025 season, all eyes will be on Goldschmidt, not just for his performance on the field but for any sign of humanity that might dispel or confirm the Android rumors. Until then, the silent enigma of Paul Goldschmidt continues to intrigue and baffle the baseball community.