President Biden Pardons Rob Manfred

REPORT: President Joe Biden has issued a full and unconditional pardon to Rob Manfred, the MLB Commissioner who's been about as popular with fans as a rain delay during a playoff game.

The official statement from the White House reads, "For his service to the sport of baseball, and for his contributions to my collection of sports memorabilia, I hereby pardon Rob Manfred for the numerous grievances against him by the baseball community."

Manfred, upon receiving the pardon, was quoted saying, "This means I can do Golden At-Bat Rule now," a statement that left everyone confused and slightly terrified for the future of baseball's rules.

When asked for his reasoning, President Biden, with a twinkle in his eye, admitted, "He gave me an autographed Shohei jersey." This revelation has sparked debates across the nation, with some calling it the most transparently quid pro quo since the last time someone tried to trade a hot dog for a game ticket at Yankee Stadium.

The news has not been well-received by fans or former players. "Pardoning Manfred is like giving the pitcher a bat," said one disgruntled fan on social media. "It's like saying, 'Here, ruin the game even more, but with official approval!'"

Hall of Famer Randy Johnson tweeted, "If I could throw a fastball at decisions, this pardon would be the first thing I'd strike out."

Manfred's tenure has been marked by decisions that would make even the most patient of umpires call for a review. From implementing a pitch clock that ticks like a doomsday device to suggesting a game clock for the World Series, Manfred's rule changes have often felt like someone who's never watched baseball trying to 'fix' it.

Legal experts are baffled. "A presidential pardon is usually for crimes, not for being bad at your job," noted one constitutional scholar. "Unless being tone-deaf to fan feedback is now considered a federal offense."

Fans have taken to social media with memes of Manfred in infamous baseball fails, with captions like "Pardoned for crimes against baseball." Another popular meme shows a confused dog with the caption "Me trying to understand why Manfred got a pardon."

While the pardon might save Manfred from the metaphorical guillotine of public opinion, it does little to shield him from the reality that fans would rather see him in the dugout than in the commissioner's office. As for President Biden, he's now the proud owner of a Shohei Ohtani jersey, and possibly, the ire of an entire sports community.

In the end, this pardon might just be remembered as the most controversial play in baseball's long history, a game where even the umpires know not to call balls and strikes without expecting some heat from the stands.