Astros Name Jose Altuve Starting Pitcher for Remainder of Season

HOUSTON — In a move nobody saw coming and nobody can quite explain, the Houston Astros are officially turning to All-Star second baseman Jose Altuve to plug their crumbling rotation, making him a pitcher effective immediately.

According to a report from Julia Morales, the team will convert the 5-foot-6 franchise icon into a full-time starting pitcher for the remainder of the 2025 season. His debut on the mound is slated for June 4 against Paul Skenes and the Pittsburgh Pirates.

“If he can make it in left field, he can make it anywhere,” Astros manager Joe Espada said when asked if he was serious. “Yes. This is real. We have no other options. We asked Yordong, but he still thinks he's a DH.”

With injuries decimating the staff—Ronel Blanco, Cristian Javier, J.P. France and Luis Garcia all sidelined—the Astros are gambling on vibes, veteran presence, and Altuve’s uncanny ability to make the impossible feel inevitable.

Altuve, who has never thrown a pitch in an MLB game, as far as we know, reportedly began bullpen sessions last week. One scout described his fastball as “somewhere between 69 mph and legally hittable.”

“I used to pitch in Little League,” Altuve said, smiling. “And I was really good... for the first inning.”

Fans are divided. Some are excited. Others are just confused. One Twitter user posted, “This feels like when your MLB The Show team gets too unrealistic and you just start making Altuve your closer for fun.”

📈 Projected Stats for Jose Altuve as a Pitcher (2025 Season):

• Games Started: 17

• Innings Pitched: 83.2

• ERA: 5.91

• WHIP: 1.71

• Strikeouts: 59

• Walks: 44

• Wins: 5

• Losses: 7

• Bat Flips After Strikeouts: 12

• Fights Initiated After Beanballs: 3

MLB has yet to comment on whether Altuve qualifies for both MVP and Cy Young votes this season.

Stay tuned for coverage of Altuve’s pitching debut in Pittsburgh on June 4. The team has reportedly asked all infielders to wear catcher’s gear “just in case.”