BREAKING: Dodgers Sign Rory McIlroy to 12-Year, $575 Million Deal

LOS ANGELES, CA - In the latest episode of the Dodgers refusing to let any professional athlete play anywhere else, the Los Angeles Dodgers have shockingly signed four-time major champion and newly crowned Masters winner Rory McIlroy to a monster 12-year, $575 million contract — with about 85% of it deferred until the year 2098.

The deal was finalized less than 24 hours after McIlroy slipped on the green jacket at Augusta. According to sources close to the situation, the Dodgers front office immediately saw an opportunity to boost their already comical roster and "couldn’t resist the clutch gene."

McIlroy, grinning like he just eagled Amen Corner, addressed the media this morning at Dodger Stadium.

"Honestly, it’s a dream come true," McIlroy said, adjusting a fitted Dodgers cap awkwardly over his golf visor. "I grew up dreaming of playing for Liverpool, then I figured out they don’t play baseball. But here we are. The swing plays anywhere, mate."

Per Dodgers skipper Dave Roberts, McIlroy will immediately slot in as the everyday second baseman, despite zero prior baseball experience.

"Look, the guy's got elite hand-eye coordination, elite torque, and honestly, he's already better at turning two than Muncy," Roberts joked. "We’ll hit him second in the lineup. He’ll get fastballs. He’s gonna rake."

McIlroy has been training in secret, allegedly taking reps at Topgolf Los Angeles and “occasionally at a local batting cage between holes.”

The contract, while eye-popping, fits comfortably in the Dodgers' Buy Every Athlete portfolio. Most of the money is deferred, with McIlroy set to receive monthly payments of $37.50 starting in 2047, shortly after Mookie Betts' final payment clears.

Insiders report McIlroy will also receive a private putting green in the Dodgers clubhouse and a "ceremonial Masters tee shot" before each home game.

How does the Rory McIlroy Signing impact the Dodgers?

Let’s be honest: the NL West might as well just go full Premier League and call it "Dodgers and Friends." With McIlroy, the Dodgers add not only power and precision but "legendary mental toughness," as Andrew Friedman described it.

"There’s no pressure like Sunday at Augusta," Friedman said. "Except maybe Game 7 of the NLCS, but with this roster, we’re hoping it doesn’t get that far."

The move also has ripple effects across the league. Reports say the Giants are now scouting John Daly, while the Padres have contacted Brooks Koepka, who is said to be "willing to DH if the money’s right."

For the Dodgers, this is just another flex in an already absurd year. Adding McIlroy to a lineup that features Betts, Freeman, Ohtani, and Smith makes L.A. a near-lock to win the West — and a heavy favorite to repeat as World Series champs.

"I don’t know the rules yet," McIlroy admitted, "but I’ve been told we just beat the Padres and I get another jacket. Sounds perfect."

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