Dodgers Get Embarrassed by Astros, Immediately Buy Them in Billion-Dollar Revenge Deal

LOS ANGELES - In a move that has sent shockwaves through the baseball world, the Los Angeles Dodgers have officially purchased the Houston Astros, completing a franchise-wide acquisition just hours after suffering a humiliating 18–1 loss to Houston at Dodger Stadium. The rout—an 18-run meltdown on their home field—apparently pushed Dodgers ownership over the edge, opting to buy the team that embarrassed them rather than try to beat them on the field.

The deal is reportedly worth $4 billion over 10 years, with nearly half of that total—roughly $2 billion—deferred until the 2040s. This is classic Dodgers maneuvering. From Shohei Ohtani’s record-setting $700 million deal to Blake Snell’s “pay me in the next lifetime” contract, the Dodgers have perfected the art of deferrals. This latest purchase only solidifies their strategy of buying power today and worrying about the bills in 20 years.

The timing of the acquisition couldn’t be more ironic. The Astros, who infamously defeated the Dodgers in the 2017 World Series during their sign-stealing scandal season, just handed L.A. one of the worst losses in its history. But now? The Dodgers own them. Literally. What started as a rivalry has now ended in a corporate merger—and full Dodger dominance.

Jose Altuve, one of the faces of that 2017 Astros team, seemed as surprised as anyone to find himself a Dodger overnight. “I’m not sure what just happened,” he said, still wearing a confused expression at his hastily arranged press conference. “We beat them 18–1, and now I guess... I am them? Either way, I’m excited. I’ve always wanted to know what deferred money feels like.”

Victor Caratini, who went 3-for-5 with a grand slam in the blowout, was equally stunned. “I dropped 4 RBIs on these guys and woke up this morning in a Dodgers group chat. Life comes at you fast,” he laughed. “But hey, if this means I’m getting playoff shares and deferrals, I’ll take it.”

Dodgers manager Dave Roberts couldn’t contain his excitement. “We just got smoked 18–1, but now I get to write Altuve’s name in our lineup card? That’s the kind of bounce-back I like,” Roberts said. “This is massive. Some teams trade for a reliever at the deadline. We bought the entire damn franchise that just embarrassed us.”

At the time of the deal, the Dodgers were 56–33 and the Astros were 53–35. Now, with the two rosters combined, Statfax projects the Dodgers will steamroll the rest of the season, finishing around 128–34. They’re now projected to win the NL West by at least 15 games and enter October with the kind of depth you’d normally only find in an All-Star Game or a video game.

This isn’t just a response to a bad loss. It’s the ultimate flex. The Dodgers didn’t just lose 18–1. They lost the battle—and then bought the enemy’s army. From 2017 heartbreak to 2025 boardroom revenge, L.A. has finally completed its arc. They didn’t get even. They got ownership. Dodgers buying the Houston Astros? Why not.