Dodgers Acquire Tigers Ace Tarik Skubal, Immediately Become Even More Unfair

LOS ANGELES - Just days after clinching their second consecutive World Series title Saturday night, the Los Angeles Dodgers have done it again—literally. The back-to-back champs announced the acquisition of Detroit Tigers ace and perennial Cy Young contender Tarik Skubal in a blockbuster trade that sent infielder Miguel Rojas, outfielder Andy Pages, and reliever Blake Treinen to Detroit. The deal happened so fast it was finalized before Freddie Freeman stopped doing the worm at a World Series afterparty, per Holly Baylor who broke the story, and also saw Freeman's worm in person.

According to team sources, Skubal wasted no time making himself at home in Hollywood. Upon learning of the trade, he reportedly told the Dodgers he would defer his entire $22.5 million salary for the 2026 season, continuing the club’s tradition of persuading stars to play now and get paid later. “I just wanted to be part of something special,” Skubal said. “I grew up watching the Dodgers sign everyone, win everything, and then somehow convince everyone to push their salaries to the year 2087. It’s inspiring. I told Andrew Friedman, ‘Pay me when the moon’s a baseball.’”

The Dodgers, apparently bored with conventional success, plan to introduce baseball’s first eleven-man starting rotation next season. The rotation is expected to feature Yoshinobu Yamamoto, Blake Snell, Tyler Glasnow, Shohei Ohtani, Tarik Skubal, Roki Sasaki, Emmett Sheehan, Yamamoto again, Tony Gonsolin, Landon Knack, and the newly un-retired Clayton Kershaw, who plans to announce his comeback this spring. “Tarik slots in nicely as a fifth starter,” said manager Dave Roberts, smiling like a man who knows he’s managing an All-Star team for 162 straight games. “We’ll go with six-man, seven-man, eleven-man—whatever keeps everyone fresh. It’s about depth… and luxury tax gymnastics.”

Across Major League Baseball, reactions poured in faster than deferred payments. New York Mest owner Steve Cohen told reporters, “We were this close to landing Skubal, but we Mested again. Classic us.” Chicago Cubs pitcher Shota Imanaga, now a free agent, chimed in: “I hope they pick me next.” Meanwhile, Tigers pitcher Jack Flaherty voiced frustration over the trade. “Detroit deserves better,” he said. “But hey, at least we got a World Series MVP runner-up in Miguel Rojas.”

Rojas, for his part, seemed heartbroken to leave Los Angeles. The veteran infielder’s 2025 highlight reel consisted entirely of two moments—his game-tying home run in World Series Game 7 and his throw to nail a Blue Jays runner at the plate to keep the game tied moments later. “That was my year,” Rojas reflected tearfully. “One big hit, one big throw, and a lifetime of memories.” Sources close to him say he’s already considering asking for a trade back to LA at next year’s deadline “if they still remember me.”

According to Statfax, the Dodgers’ projected odds to three-peat after landing Tarik Skubal have now officially risen from 100% to 103%, an increase analysts described as “mathematically unnecessary but spiritually accurate.” In other words, baseball is canceled again—until further notice.