Dodgers Buy Padres: San Diego Relegated to AAAA in Shocking Baseball Takeover

BREAKING — In a move so shocking it actually made Padres fans nostalgic for the Eric Hosmer contract, the Los Angeles Dodgers have reportedly reached an agreement to buy the entire San Diego Padres, according to multiple reports including Holly Baylor, who broke the news after spotting Andrew Friedman browsing Petco Park on Zillow.

Yes, the Padres — a real Major League Baseball franchise with real players, real uniforms, and real bankruptcy-level payroll spending — will now officially become the Dodgers’ new AAAA farm team, set to share a stadium with the Oklahoma City Comets. The plan reportedly includes repainting Petco Park blue, replacing the Western Metal Supply Co. building with a giant “Prospect Development Center,” and reclassifying San Diego as “Northern Tijuana North Los Angeles County.”

Padres executive chairman John Seidler released a statement attempting to spin this as something other than a full organizational surrender.

“The best way to honor Peter’s legacy was to merge with the Dodgers, a proven winning franchise, so that we could finally deliver a World Series championship to our players, employees, fans and community,” Seidler said, bravely ignoring the fact that the Padres will now be developing players for the Dodgers to win that championship instead.

Inside the clubhouse, reactions ranged from stunned disbelief to Manny Machado Googling “how to negotiate with the IRS.” Machado told reporters:

“At least now I only owe that Dodgers fan interest, not my full salary.”

A reference, of course, to the infamous bet in which Machado wagered his entire contract that the Padres would win a World Series before the Dodgers. They did not, and Manny has been Venmo-requested weekly ever since.

Fernando Tatis Jr. also weighed in, seemingly relieved by the news.

“Honestly, this is great for us. Now if we finish 15 games under .500 again, it’s ‘development,’ not ‘failure.’ I’m finally safe.”

Fans in San Diego reacted exactly as expected: some cried, some shrugged, and several dozen immediately submitted transfer requests to become Dodgers fans “just to see what happiness feels like.” One Padres supporter was spotted outside Petco waving a sign that read “WE FINALLY MADE THE PLAYOFFS… OF SOMEONE ELSE’S ORGANIZATION.”

Meanwhile, Dodgers fans expressed mixed emotions — joy about owning an entire franchise, concern about having to pretend they know who Padres prospects are, and confusion about whether “AAAA” means the Padres are better or worse now. (It’s worse. Much worse.)

As for next season, early projections suggest the newly christened San Diego Dodgers-Comets-AAAA-Padres are expected to absolutely dominate the minor leagues — not because of talent, but because every other AAA team will be too star-struck by seeing big-league contracts arrive on the bus. Analysts predict an 88-56 record, a Pacific Coast League title, and a heartbreaking postseason loss to the Reno Aces after a Dodgers executive calls up half the roster mid-game.

Whether this merger will transform Southern California baseball or just give Dodgers Stadium an extended farm system depends on your perspective. But one thing is certain: the Padres have finally achieved the impossible — becoming a team that can never underperform expectations, because expectations have been reassigned to Oklahoma City.