Giants Sign 42-Year-Old Justin Verlander to 8-Year, $80M Extension

SAN FRANCISCO - In the most confusing contract extension in MLB history, the San Francisco Giants have officially locked up 42-year-old starting pitcher Justin Verlander on an 8-year, $80 million deal. The news was first broken—of course—by his younger brother Ben, who looked more bewildered than proud.

Verlander himself seemed thrilled:

“I told them I’ll pitch until I’m 50 if that’s what it takes. San Francisco feels like home.”

Family Reactions: Confused, Concerned, and Contractually Obligated

Ben Verlander, the one who “reported” the news, admitted he doesn’t know what’s happening anymore:

“I thought this was an April Fools joke. It’s September.”

Kate Upton, Verlander’s wife, was equally perplexed:

“I love him, but do I really want to be sitting in a suite at Oracle Park in 2033 watching him try to hit 87 on the gun? This feels like elder abuse.”

Teammates Left Speechless

The Giants’ clubhouse is already struggling to process the idea of Justin Verlander still taking the mound when most of them are retired or managing Little League:

• Willy Adames: “He told me he’s adding a ‘fourth windup’ to keep his hips young. I don’t even know what that means.”

• Matt Chapman: “We just signed a guy through the 2030s who was drafted before I hit puberty. I’m not mad, just… dizzy.”

• Logan Webb: “I’m supposed to be the ace, and now I’m taking spring training diet tips from a 50-year-old who thinks avocado ice cream is medicine. Please send help.”

  
  

Verlander’s Obsession with Longevity

While nobody else cares, Verlander is fully committed to setting the record as the oldest pitcher in MLB history. “It means nothing to anyone but me,” he admitted, “and that’s exactly why I have to do it.”

He’s reportedly following the Tom Brady diet, which consists of avocado ice cream, water every 15 minutes, and avoiding tomatoes because they cause inflammation. He’s also been spotted dragging tractor tires across the outfield at Oracle Park at 2 a.m., muttering about “legacy.”

Statfax Projections: Grim at Best

The advanced analytics arm of Fax Sports, Statfax, ran its projections on Verlander’s career in San Francisco. The numbers don’t exactly scream Hall of Fame finale:

• 2026–2027: 5.02 ERA, -0.6 WAR, 3 disabled list stints.

• 2028: Projected to be throwing 82 MPH “cutters” that look like BP fastballs.

• 2029–2032: Statfax projects him appearing in 14 total games, mostly mop-up duty, and “probably allowing fireworks in the outfield during play.”

• 2033 (age 50): Statfax labels this season “retirement cosplay.”

  
  

Still, Giants ownership insists the move is about “stability and leadership,” which in baseball language means “ticket sales and nostalgia.”

Final Thoughts on the Giants and Justin Verlander

San Francisco has doubled down on a 42-year-old who swears he’ll pitch until 50. Whether that’s inspirational or deeply concerning depends on your perspective. For Giants fans, the only safe bet is that this contract will outlive multiple presidential administrations, and possibly Oracle Park itself.